Regret
by ChocoC
Summary: Five instances of regret in Endeavor's life. OneShot. R&R.


_**A/N:** It might have some (okay many) spoilers for manga but they are sorta hidden. Before you start flaming me, I still think that Endeavor is a jerk but the truth still stands that there are not many people in "My Hero Academia" that one can truly hate. _

_I'm still learning how to write in this format but hope that you still find it a nice read. Have a nice day, you all :)_

 ** _Hope you all enjoy! RR._**

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 ** _Regret is a short, evocative and achingly beautiful word: an elegy to lost possibilities even in its brief annunciation._**

 **David Whyte**

 ** _Five instances of regret in Todoroki Enji's life._**

 **1-** The first time it happens, he is staring into the eyes of his youngest. It isn't empowering, something that barely flickers by the brink of his consciousness. Nevertheless, looking into the eyes of the person harbouring the weight of his ambitions, a chill passes through his spine and he wonders whether his actions are illicit. The thought, however trivial, is suppressed with such venom apt only for Endeavour.

"Such was the fate," he supposed sometimes, of those who have given up themselves for their substantial goal. His obsession for power and thirst for dominance is so empowering that he swallows whatever spark flickers at his heart and grabs the arm of his boy, dragging him into the deep well of his madness.

* * *

 **2-** The second time, his gaze is fixed on his son, his trained eye easily marking every error that he almost doesn't pay attention to the green-haired child with loud proclamations and rash actions. That is until his son feels threatened enough in his vicinity to break his pact, even if just for a moment. It shoots immensely, however, his interest that is, when the boy extinguishes his proud flames with the barest flicker of his hand and the first thing that flashes through his mind is the broad back, dependable and sturdy, beneath that suit, overshadowing everyone that steps up behind it.

He grins then, a plan forming inside his head as he corners the child in the hallway spouting words that make that child quake in his shoes. He, however, is not ready for the sudden intensity and resentment glittering in the child's eyes and he is given something to wonder about for the next few minutes.

He can barely hear their shouting but he clicks his tongue in distaste at the bare emotions on Shoto's face. "It might be worth it." he thinks a moment later as he screams encouragement warped carefully in his passion and lunacy and feels accomplished as his son wipes out the washed-out imitation of AllMight's power.

When he comes across his son next, he isn't too proud to display his surprise at the lack of hatred. That is probably why he freezes at his son's words and as the child walks away from his towering figure, he cannot find the power to stop and rebuke him on his adolescence. His steps falter when he finds the tight squeeze in his chest to be something akin to regret and the forsaken words have somehow burnt in the back of his consciousness

(That night he goes home and in his crisp tone inquires about his other brats. He is perhaps too proud to admit that the pang in his chest at Natsuo's departure is sorrow.)

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 **3-** He cannot even remember when his obsession started. Maybe it was in his adolescence or probably when AllMight first landed on the world scene or perhaps when he so naturally took the spot that was meant for Enji but what he _does_ remember is the rage and denial that had once engulfed him.

Todoroki Enji was gifted. Born to a noble family with a close connection to heroes it was no surprise when he had been endowed with exceptional reflexes and genes, with a quirk so powerful that it made those above him recoil in fear. He was always at the top, throughout his childhood, in the Elementary and Middle Schools that he went to. Top of his time in UA he was surely expected to break into the field with unrivalled success. What, however, he didn't expect was the debut of the hero that would dwarf anyone to come after him for decades.

It was a huge disaster. The largest Enji had seen in the eighteen years of his life. Being at the top of his last month of UA, he, along with his superior, was called at the scene. The destruction was monstrous enough to make all the top heroes take a step back into seclusion for no one knew how to tackle the obliteration unfolding before them. It was when _he_ came, with power and charisma enough to stagger back the forces and strong enough to displace the situation single-handedly until all the circumstances were once again tilted in their favour. That day was perhaps when he realised that no matter how great he was there was someone greater, _someone better_ , out there and that comprehension shattered all the dreams and desires he once had in the blink of a moment. That recognition brought no little amount of bitterness and anger to his pounding pride and importance.

 _He_ debuted a month later, AllMight, the man in his mid-twenties that had the power, terrifying enough to crumble the earth and dominant enough to change the course of life. Enji had no choice but to chase after the man that took the spot he believed to be his all his life. So he ran after him, harsh and domineering until all the momentous decisions in his life somehow ended with _his_ name. Until he lost himself in his insanity. _Until he fell into the darkness of his mind_. The more he chased the more impossible his goal looked till he discerned the huge divergence in their paths and could do nothing but stare at that sturdy back, tall and charismatic in the wake of the title and he found that he hated the view.

Years later, he is startled when he hears the information about this great villain opposing the power of all might himself but the solemnity of his rival's gaze is enough to quieten anyone that voices his concerns.

He feels it before he sees it, the power of enough magnitude that makes him freeze uncharacteristically and results in the destruction the likes of which he had seen only once, _decades_ before and he didn't need to be told twice when Tsukauchi ushers them to the prime location.

The sight that greets him turns his blood into ice that freezes down in his veins because that broad, robust back that had once shouldered the burden of the whole world was reduced to nothing more than a framework of protruding bones and in his anger, betrayal, and bitterness he screams at _him_ to stand up and the helpless and poignant look that he receives is nothing short of a slap of stark realisation and he staggers on his feet.

All might raises his fist like ever before but there is a thick solemnity in the air that makes all the heroes realise one huge detail; _T_ _he era of All Might is no more_. The back that had once been sturdy, invincible and distant suddenly looks so very humane and Todoroki Enji realises his biggest fault to date. The man that he had thought to be a rival, a symbol, a pillar, _a wall_ suddenly appears nothing more than a _man_ , fleeting and shatterable in existence and suddenly all of his thoughts and emotions end in a blank until there is only an empowering sense of regret left clawing in his chest.

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 **4-** He is abruptly hailed as the top hero, the spot that had one spoke magnificence and glory appears as the hollow reality before him and he feels crushed under the rueful stares. "It wasn't supposed to end like this," he thinks because from now on, he knows that he'll be nothing but the shadow under the light of the fame that will never truly be his. He feels lost because in his chase for the deceitful promise of glory he had somehow pushed away every single person that mattered until the only one left in his periphery is the tired protruding back.

It is the reason he finds himself sitting beside his Rival that had somehow are also become his predecessor and asks for advice that the old him would never have. It isn't much, what All Might says, but somehow it tilts his whole view on life and as he looks at the worn-out but kind expression of his companion he notices the stark difference between them. The man sitting beside him was a _true_ hero, not All Might, but it was this man _Toshinori_ _Yagi_ , whose bravery and persistence made All Might a symbol worth remembering and he finds his answer not as hard as it seems.

He thinks of it as a first step towards what he truly wanted to become. His son is standing a little sideways but he knows that what must be a starting point. By the time he reaches his destination, his feet hesitate a moment too long and the flower in his hands feels heavier than a ton.

This time as the doctor casts his disapproving eyes over him to leave, he stands by the door hoping to convey the importance of his visit but the man still refuses, his lips curling halfway into a snarl and Enji finds that some wounds are too deep to be sealed.

As he turns to leave there is a characteristic sorrow in his chest and the numbing in his mind that assaults his senses with the horrified face of the woman bound to him by the law of marriage and for the first time in the past decade his chest nearly bursts with pain of remorse that he had been hiding carefully behind a veil of arrogance and exaggerated self-confidence. He finds that he misses her terribly, her kindness, her touch, _her laugh_ and even a whole day of heroics before passing out on his bed can't rid him of her smile burnt into the back of his mind.

While lying on the cool sheets of his stiff mattress and staring at the ceiling zooming in and out of his consciousness, it is probably the first and the last time he proclaims by himself,

"I truly regret what I did."

and even he is surprised by the hurt lacing his gruff tone.

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 **5-** He is wounded and bleeding, his eyes blurring and the burning prickle on his face numbs his mind and for a moment he thinks of giving up.

Then he sees the bones jutting out of the tired back that still stands tall in victory and he hears the voices of all those still rooting for him and from his periphery he sees Hawks, the young brat, beaten and battered but still supporting the man proclaimed number one. It is then that he wonders at the significance of his title and all the bone-crushing responsibilities he once thought to be for show. In the end, it is the flash of white hair and a soft smile crinkling from beneath the sparkling grey orbs that urges him to stand. Somehow he is transferred to the time years ago when some people still _smiled_ at Todoroki Enji. He remembers his promise (of forgiveness yet to be earned) and struggles to his feet, assaulted by the memories of those brats and that one woman and with a pounding in his chest, he gives it his all.

His last punch is packed with all his strength because he can only focus on the hate and tears he had caused for the past many years and the guilt and regret nearly costs him his life. Laying on the hospital bed, wounded and battered beyond recognition but still proud and victorious, he sees the smile of Hawks directed towards him; soft, kind and proud and he wonders how it would feel to see that on the faces of his kids. It is at that moment he decides that he will find it out for himself because in the end his blood still ran through their veins and come Hell or high water he will trudge through it to his path of redemption because he wants them to be whole, to be one, to be a _family_ he suddenly wants so much of.

It is this observation that brings about a small smile of determination and the continuous pain in his chest is dulled somewhat by the warmth of hope.

* * *

 _ **The End.**_

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 **Scenes:**

 **1.** Todoroki's childhood. His memories from episode 27 (Shoto Todoroki: Origin).

 **2.** Ep 23 (Shoto Todoroki: Origin) and ep 24 (Fight on, Ilda)

 **3.** Ep 49 (One for All)

 **4.** Ch 164 (Masegaki), Ch 184 (Wings Hero: Hawks), Pro Hero Arc.

 **5.** Pro Hero Arc.


End file.
